


my dude

by vivelavida



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Almost smut, Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas Party, F/M, James is dating someone who's not Lily, based on a Litany song, jily, with almost a blowjob
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 09:29:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29980833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vivelavida/pseuds/vivelavida
Summary: Lily and James have been in an on/off relationship for the last three years. They find each other again at the annual Potter's Christmas party after a year since the last break up.The burning desire, the fear, the memories and James' new and perfect girlfriend are the perfect combination for them to go back to where they left things.Or not likely?
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, James Potter/Original Female Character(s), Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter
Kudos: 4





	my dude

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! First of all a brief warning I'm going to make: readers, this is my first attempt to write in English, (and not dying while doing it) as I'm Spanish. So be warned and please, be my guest to point out any mistakes or weirdness in my writing if you notice them. It would be very appreciated.
> 
> This One-Shot was inspired first by Litany's song "My dude", hence the title, which I've been obsessing with for a while now. It was supposed to be a funny/comical story, but while I was writing, the album "A brief Inquiry of Online Relationship" from The 1975 pop into my playlist constantly, so it turned more and more angsty with every word, which won't lie to you, is more my style.
> 
> So let me know what you think, I'm in full writing mode so I hope I can publish some things I'm working on right now if this test goes well.
> 
> Without more rambling, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did while writing it,
> 
> Clara.

####  **scene one: the looks**

Lily is at James Potter's. Well, to be more precise, at his parents'. They invited her to attend their annual Christmas party even though threh4 years have passed since she was here for the last time. They always send her an invitation, and she always refuses. This year, a fourth rejection seemed too much.

The event is crowded with rich and beautiful people, all have long and pompous names. She feels out of place while she stands awkwardly near a table filled with all kinds of liquor bottles.

Then she starts to think she shouldn't have come. And more certainly she should've brought someone. But she didn't think the party would be so formal. She thought she would meet with some old acquaintances, talk about school, their new projects and then go home to sleep with her cat. But no.

She is raising her head looking for someone she might know when she spots her.

And she thinks she is gorgeous. There is no denying that.

But Marlene and Dorcas had already told her that, so is not much of a surprise.

She has that beauty you can't take your eyes off. She has blonde long hair and big blue eyes. She has the perfect smile and pale white skin. She looks just like her dolls when she was a child. She is also very elegant: she is fashionable in a classy way.

She isn't wearing anything too flashy, but it fits her nicely. Without no doubt, she is the most beautiful girl in the room, all eyes are on her. To be honest, Lily thinks she could be wearing a paper sack and still look fabulous. Because it is not much about what she wears is about who she is.

"She's beautiful, isn't she?" a voice behind her almost makes her trip.

She turns around to see who's caught her so red-handed.

"Sirius," Lily smiles at him with relief as she reaches out to embrace him in a hug.

"I've missed you, love," he smiles and hugs her back with tenderness.

####  **scene two: the match**

"Come with me and the boys," he pleads her as he grabs her by the arm and guides her through the crowded room not waiting for a response. 

Peter and Remus are sitting on the porch, despite being outside it's warm enough for her to not miss her coat. Pete sees her first and welcomes her with a big smile showing all his teeth.

"Lily, how are you?" Remus greets her from the outdoor couch. "Where were you?"

Sirius steps before her and answers on her behalf.

"I've just saved her from the beauty and the beast."

She snorts at the name he gives to his best friend and her new beautiful and gorgeous girlfriend. She glances towards the room again through the window.

She spots messy black hair in the crowd. It's him, she knows that at least. She hasn't seen him until now since she arrived at the party. He looks fine, he is smiling at someone and by his side: Her.

Lily doesn't know where he'd met her but most assuredly it has to be a very romantic story, Lily wouldn't take less than a fairytale. But she also doesn't want to know either.

They're a perfect match for each other, they make a great couple. At least from the distance. They appear very natural around each other, Lily notices the subtle touches: his arm barely brushing her back, her hand resting on his forearm. It's just the intimacy they share, one Lily craves, one she one time had.

"You know he's with her because you dumped him, right?" Sirius takes her out from her thoughts and extends her his drink.

She takes a sip and coughs immediately after.

"What the fuck is this Sirius?" she scans the drink with disgust.

All three boys laugh and after the strong taste of the alcohol leaves her mouth she does too. James' thoughts go back to her memories and she focuses on the story Peter is telling. She has missed them, so much it almost hurts. But since they are his best mates it was only reasonable she was the one to part her way.

"And what about you Lily? I thought Dorcas was coming with you," Remus asks her after they all have finished updating her with all the news in their lives.

"Yeah, I thought so too. She was ill though, and Euphemia and Fleamont were so thrilled I'd said I would come, I just couldn't back out."

"Oh yeah, they ask about you a lot," comments casually Peter opening his hands in the air, as if "a lot" wasn't specific enough.

Remus smacks him in the shoulder, and Sirius takes her by the hand.

"Let's dance love."

####  **scene three: the nostalgia**

Sirius has always been a good dancer. Back at Hogwarts he always was on the dance floor when a party occurred in the Gryffindor common room. 

He spins her around, and she laughs, she's having fun after all. Peter and Remus join them. She glances at the table where she stood in the first place and thinks how silly she'd been.

She wonders when was the last time she had so much fun when she'd felt so carefree. They have always made her feel that way, and she can't guess why.

Maybe it is because they love her, truly and sincerely. Maybe it is because despite time has passed, it feels like it hasn't.

It feels like Gryffindor just won the cup, and they are in the common room celebrating. They would have sneaked somewhere Lily wouldn't want to know, to acquire some firewhiskey to get all of them smashed. They would have danced just like this, laughed just like this. Dorcas and Marlene would be also dancing at her side. Later Peter would crash out on the couch, and maybe Sirius would ask her to bride his hair before heading to the dorm, and Remus most certainly would kiss her forehead before going to bed.

And then James would have hugged her by the back, would have kissed her neck, and would have asked her tenderly if she was ready to go to bed. With him.

Suddenly she feels overwhelmed by her thoughts and after assuring her friends she is going to take some fresh air she goes towards the porch. But when she sees Euphemia chatting with some guests, she decides is better for her to go upstairs. She knows a bedroom that has a balcony where she could hide just fine.

When she enters the room, it is dark and still but she can locate the door to the balcony with her eyes closed. The cold air suddenly hits her warm face, and the contact in her skin feels good. She approaches the railing and leans her body listening to the music coming from downstairs.

But her loneliness is soon interrupted.

"Oh shit, I didn't—" he stops mid-sentence when she turns to face the intruder. "Lily"

"James—" she starts to say, blinking her eyes with nervousness. "I'm sorry I shouldn't be here."

She starts to make her way towards the door inside the house.

"Wait Lily," he cries behind her following her pace.

But she is not able to make it any further because the light in the room that leads to the balcony is now on and she has realized she's in his dorm. She already knew that when she first got into the room, but now standing there, she starts to think it wasn't a good move, it was a bad idea right from the first place.

"Lily," speaks James when he catches her.

"James." Lily turns to face him again, and she smiles at him with tenderness.

####  **scene four: the topicality**

They stand in silence but it doesn't feel awkward, it is just that she has so many things she wishes to tell him she just doesn't know where to start. He looks astonished, with no emotion on his face at all.

"You look good—" she starts talking.

"How are you?" but he's interrupted her at the same time.

They laugh, easing the air tension. He approaches her as if it was a knee-jerk reaction. She doesn't take a step back.

"I saw you downstairs," he says looking down at her, "dancing with the boys."

"Yeah, I was. I saw you too."

"Did you see mum and dad?" he talks abruptly, words running fast in his mouth. She nods in response. "They couldn't stop talking about you since you said you'd come"

"Yeah, I owed them that much since I hadn't come when I ought." She bites her tongue: she should have said 'could' instead. "Look James, I'm sorry I shouldn't have come upstairs, much less came into your room, it was just too much down over there." She shuts her mouth hoping to end the conversation right there.

"Don't be sorry, I get it."

"What?" she snaps back at him thinking maybe he's here to embarrass her more.

Is it not enough that she came to a party thrown at her ex-boyfriend parents house? All alone? With no more friends than his? Having to look at him and his new bloody gorgeous girlfriend? The line of embarrassment was well over crossed and she doesn't need him to make her go any further.

"I mean, there are too many people downstairs."

"Oh that, yeah." She relaxes her shoulders, but she still feels a little embarrassment and the blush on her face.

"How've you been?" he asks her again as if he wouldn't let her go.

"Well, I just moved out from my parents with Dorcas."

"Yeah, Remus mentioned it." She raises her eyebrows, surprised he and Remus talk about her. "As I told you, when you said you were coming, mum and dad couldn't stop asking about you"

"Then Remus must've told you all the news about me."

"Yeah kinda," he smiles at her. Is he blushing?

"What about you?" she crosses her arms and hopes the answer won't bring her more down.

"I fell from the broom while playing a match, healers said my wrist won't be the same, but you know me," he brushes his hair looking down like a child, "I'm keen on taking risks." He finishes saying looking at her, deep.

Yeah, he does like taking risks. He was the one who asked her out, the one who fell in love with her with no hesitation, without a security belt, full and true, the one who didn't give a damn about what anyone had to say about them, about him being a pureblood and her being a muggleborn.

"I do," she answers back. And yet she can't help but notice how his new girlfriend is all but muggleborn, has nothing to do with her at all, and she is jealous and irrationally angry at him. "She's a keeper," Lily says abruptly.

He's taken aback by her words. She can tell he wasn't expecting to discuss the topic of his new girlfriend with her. She's also a little surprised to have said that, but she guesses she needs to hear it from him, the rumours and the gossip about him, about her, about them, are killing her. Is it weird she needs to hear him say they are done?

There's too much history between them. It is painful just to think about it. They have hurt each other in any possible way and yet they have always found the way to each other again. Not this time, it seems. She's always thought they would end up together after all, no matter what happened: he would always come back to her, and she would always call out for him. When was it they grew so apart? Where did they cross the non-return line?

"I guess," he agrees with no note of enthusiasm in his voice.

And Lily can't help but think they're not so done by the way he gazes at her.

####  **scene five: the mischief**

"She is very pretty." She takes a step closer.

"She is." He doesn't move but looks at her with quizzing eyes.

"And she's from a very good old family." She takes another step.

"Certainly."

Lily doesn't say anything else as she approaches him. There's nothing she wishes more than to close the space between them but instead, she reaches for his face and brushes his cheek with her cold fingers.

"What do you want Lily?" he asks her, but she can tell he is not waiting for an answer. She places both of her hands on his chest.

"Dance with me, James." He doesn't respond and embraces her placing his hand in her back, pulling her closer.

There's no music coming through the walls but it didn't matter back then so it doesn't matter now. Neither care about it as they slow dance in silence. His touch makes her numb, but it also hurts her to think about all the things they've been through. It all feels like a waste. It feels like it meant nothing. That, despite all the love they once shared, all the love she felt for him, it doesn't matter anymore. She's been incapable of letting go. She needs him to free her. She can't do it alone.

It's Lily who breaks the silence first.

"Are you marrying her?" she asks with her head in his chest without looking at him.

"What?" He takes a step back and stares down at her. She's not embarrassed anymore. He can tell. "Why are you asking me that?"

She doesn't answer right away.

He asked her to marry him a year ago. Back then it felt surreal, it didn't make her any sense, they were kids, just as they're now. How dared he to ask her that back then? How on earth did he think it was a good idea? After what they'd been through, all the fights, all the hate that grew in each other? All the resentfulness? All the comes and goes?

"Aren't you happy with her?" she insists again, trying to shorten the distance he's set between them. She thinks it's a fair question. Didn't he propose to her when in a less happy and stable relationship?

"What are you doing here Lily? Why did you come here?"

"What do you mean?"

He frowns his forehead and closes his eyes, breathing deeply with exasperation. She can tell he's getting mad, but she doesn't understand his questions, or more precisely, she doesn't know how to answer them. When it comes to him she just doesn't know.

Before he opens his eyes again, she lets herself go.

And kisses him.

####  **scene six: the lust**

He doesn't respond right away.

But she encourages her soft lips against his with despair and then he can't but kiss her back fiercely.

He bites her lips, and she moans in his mouth as she puts her arms around his neck. She reaches for his hair and he does it for her hips. He pushes his body against her. She can feel the warmth of his hands against her skin even though the fabric of her dress is keeping him from touching her skin. He reaches for her jaw with one hand and forces her to lean her head to deepen the kiss. Her tongue searches his' in between heavy breaths.

He pushes her body again, and both start walking towards the bed behind her. When the back of her knees hit the mattress, Lily sits and James leans his head down without breaking their heated kiss. He reaches for her bare thighs and strokes her skin under her dress. He's about to take control of the situation, but she doesn't let him. Instead, separating from his mouth, she grabs him by the collar of his jacket and pulls him to the bed with her, and before he can move again, she places herself on top of him and bends down to kiss him again.

He doesn't complain and hugs her again with his arms not letting any air come between them. She starts to rock her hips against his and he moans in pleasure in her mouth. She can feel his hard crotch against the silk of her knickers, and that makes her feel crazy.

How has she missed his body, his touch? How has she missed him so much, the way he makes her feel.

She trails hot kisses down his neck while with her hand reaches for the belt of his trousers, stroking in her way his bare abdomen under his shirt. She can feel him get more excited by the way he breathes and the temperature of his skin. Her mouth travels her way down to his hip, she bites him there as she unbelts his trousers and pulls his underwear down. His hands stroking her hair. An itch in her stomach makes her aware of how much she wants him, how much she has missed him, all of him. She reaches for his cock in her petite hands, he groans loudly at the contact of her hands with him.

She starts to stroke him slowly, guided by the noises he makes. After teasing him, she leans her mouth to his crotch and looks at him with all lust, desire and love in her eyes. He looks down at her, she can sense the fear in his gaze. She bites her bottom lip as she leans to take him fully in her mouth. He melts, but before she can put her tongue in his cock, he stops her.

"Lil wait," he calls her out, with the caring nickname he used to call her. Is not romantically nor lustfully. "I can't, I-I just —"

She looks back at him with disappointment.

"I can't." He finishes saying as he pulls up his trousers and leaves her mouth open with misery. He looks devastated as if he just came out of a fistfight.

####  **scene seven: the runaway**

She doesn't say anything. How could she? She can't be more embarrassed. The fact she knows he wants her, he desires her, but he won't let her take him is bad enough to shut her up.

"It wouldn't be fair to her," he explains himself. And that is the most hurtful: the fact he didn't have sex with her because of Her. Because he is dating another woman that is not her. How the hell things got so messed up?

She searches deep down inside her the last bit of pride she's got left and composes herself without looking at him. She raises her head reaching for the door after she's resolved to go home before he can see the tears which are starting to pour in her eyes before her heart can break into more pieces.

"I'm sorry James, I didn't mean this to happen, I swear. I shouldn't have come, and definitely shouldn't have come upstairs," she sniffles shaking her head. When she passes in his direction to exit the room he grabs her by the wrist making her stop.

"Lily wait," he mutters in despair. She glances down to where his hand is resting on her.

Again, she says nothing, instead, she stares back at him, hopeless. He must know the way she's feeling, there's no way he doesn't know. They know each other too much, too well. She certainly shouldn't have kissed him. And yet, he shouldn't have kissed her back, for sure he shouldn't stop her again, because they've been nothing more than magnets and he should know better than to do that.

She realizes he is in fact aware of it because after she looks at him he lets go of her. He is releasing her as if telling her they must stop doing this to each other, that they must move on and get on with their lives. Even though they've had this same conversation so many times, in so many ways, the way they're staring at each other and not saying anything they want to say, proves to Lily that is the end. That she's lost him for real.

She wishes she had said yes to him when he asked her to marry him.

Now it is too late, they've hurt too much.

She turns her back to him in silence as she walks through the door into the hallway.

####  **scene eight: the home**

She feels her tears run down her cheeks while she's running down the stairs. She feels devastated, the pain is aching in her heart. She and James have broken up so many times she thought no more tears were left for her to cry over him. She was wrong.

"Lily dear," she hears the concerned soft voice of Mia Potter call her name as she makes it to the first floor. She turns to face her before thinking she shouldn't have. She most definitely can't face her once mother in law. Not after she got rejected by her son, who rumour has it is getting married.

"I'm sorry Mia, I must leave," replies Lily before heading outside the front door, her face covered in her tears.

She is breathing fast, her lungs are closing in her chest. She leans by the brick wall and tries to compose her lack of air. But she's crying aloud. Once she's let go, she's not able to make it stop. She knows she's making a scene, thank God there are only two groups of people outside. She knows she should go, but she's not feeling well enough to apparate home and not break herself into a million pieces.

"Let's go home, love." Is Sirius' voice who comes to her rescue. Again. Like at the first moment of the night. He takes her into a hug.

"I screw it up Sirius," she cries in his chest, she's in pain. How can it hurt so much?

"I know love, let's head home."

He doesn't wait for her to respond and he apparates with her in his flat. She's been here before, countless times, in fact, she helped them to move in. She's also been in Sirius' bedroom before, they used to chat about everything and nothing at all until midnight, braiding each other's hairs, laughing, until they couldn't take it anymore until James would come back from some match and she would head to his boyfriends' arms. And yet, she hasn't spent any night at his bed.

They don't speak, only Lily's sobs are heard, breaking the silence between them. She cries herself to sleep, by Sirius' side.

####  **scene nine: the monologue**

Noises in the living room wake her up. The headache she's having after she cried so much has also helped her to have a light sleep. She glances through the window, is still dark outside and she notices Sirius has left her side. Her face is boiling and she feels it swollen. She pushes herself out of bed, her bare feet hit the cold floor, and only then she starts to realize all that's happened last night. Was it just a dream? Maybe some nightmare?

As she approaches the door she hears her name in Sirius' voice.

"Come on Prongs, really, what did you expect Lily to say to you?"

Prongs. James is here. But she can't hear his voice, seems he isn't answering back.

"Tell me," Sirius urges his friend, "seriously, did you though after you two had broken up for the third or so time, after her father died, after her sister ditched her when she married that weirdo, after all that, that she would have said yes to you? What on Merlin's name were you even thinking?"

They're talking about them, about Lily and James. About James asking her to marry him.

"I get it Prongs," Sirius adds, "I do. I see the way you love each other, it's insane how you care for her, but you need to end it mate. She's hurting."

Sirius is defending her, and Lily can't guess why. She knows Sirius cares for her, but after James and she broke up for the last time, none of his mates made a step to stay in touch with her. And she gets that, she is not offended or mad at them for picking James instead of her. So it's a shock to hear him defending her against his best friend.

"I don't think you can understand," is James voice answering Sirius back for the first time, "I mean, I know you've been there our entire time together, but I don't think you can understand what's beneath all what is not to see."

Lily is silent behind the door listening to what James is saying. She gets what he's trying to point out: Sirius can't understand all of them together, because he only noticed the tip of the iceberg. He can't understand, not as James and Lily can.

"I know I fucked up by asking her to marry me. I guess it was a selfish move, now I get it. When we got back together for the last time I thought it was for good. We weren't kids anymore. We were talking about moving in together and leaving all the fears past us. But then his father got ill and he got worse so quickly she couldn't even prepare for his death."

Yeah, she thinks. Her father was diagnosed with cancer, and in less than two months passed away taking with him half of her soul. It hurt too much to know his father would not see her becoming a woman, she was too young to confront death in such a real way. She's certain she still is.

"She was slipping away from me again," James continues, "it hurt to see her getting lost, she started to have fears again, we started fighting again about silly things that turned into big nasty fights. It was exhausting Pads, I know you could tell."

They did row, but now Lily can't help but think about their arguments as nothing but silly. How she wishes to tell herself from a year ago to quit fighting against him, and instead fight for him, because now, standing behind Sirius door, listening to him say all those things, she couldn't care less about how he not waited for her to have dinner, or how he wouldn't do his bed no matter what.

"And what hurts the most is I knew we rowed because she took our arguments as an excuse to not think about her loss. And after she said no and we broke up, and after I was passed through the angriness and all the resentment, only then I realized I'd failed her. That I should've been there for her, no matter what, no matter how. That I should have pushed her more, confront her more. Instead, I made it all about me, thinking it was about me, about us, when in fact was about her."

Lily can feel his words echoing inside her. Tears start to drop again, and she cups her mouth to prevent her sobs from discovering her. She wishes to trespass the door and tell him it is not all true, that she doesn't blame him, that she's also failed him, that she should've been more sincere and open about her feelings instead of closing herself.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Sirius asks, he sounds surprised.

"I guess I was ashamed I couldn't love her the way I should, the way she deserved, the way she needed me to. I guessed it was best you to think we didn't work out than to think I'd been an arsehole."

"You're wrong. We did think you were an arsehole. Fuck, I still think you are."

James doesn't snap back, or if he does, Lily can't hear him.

"Then if you know you both had fucked up, why didn't you try to talk to her? By the way she looked at you all night, and the way she cried herself to sleep, I can tell she still loves you."

Sirius is right, she still loves him, she knows now, and she knew back when she decided to go to the Christmas party. And yet, she wonders if she is that easy to read. If her feelings for him are so out of her control that she can't hide them at all. Does James know though? Could James tell when he found her in his childhood room earlier?

"For Merlin's sake Prongs, you're helpless." She can hear Sirius standing up and walking in the living room.

"It doesn't matter now Pads, what's done is done. I'll stay at my parents' tonight, I just came here to check on her, mum told me she saw her crying and that she'd send you to take care of her."

Lily feels a little embarrassment when she thinks about the way she stormed out the front door. Making a fool out of herself. It was quite a scene.

"Mate, I don't know a shit about love, or about relationships for that matter, but you're delusional if you think you can push aside all this you're feeling for her, all you've been through together, and start a happy merry life with some other girl."

Lily's heart misses a beat after hearing Sirius talk about James' girlfriend. She's not crying anymore but it doesn't mean it still hurts that despite all the things she's heard James say to Sirius about her and his feelings, James is still in a relationship with another girl.

"I know Padfoot, I did talk to her tonight. About Lily. About everything." But Lily doesn't want to hear it, hell, she can't take it. Not tonight.

She rushes towards the bed again, their voices turn into murmurs she can't tell apart. She hides behind the blankets and closes her eyes.

At least her head doesn't hurt anymore.

####  **scene ten: the rightness**

She wakes up in Sirius bed again, alone, and by the light coming through the window, she guesses it is early in the morning. She hasn't slept that much, but she's nervous, and she doesn't think she can sleep any longer.

She stumbles out of bed and exits Sirius room in silence, but when she makes it to the living room she notices the flat is empty. She goes to the bathroom and then she cleans her face still swollen because of all the crying she did last night. Then she heads to the kitchen resolved to leave Sirius a note and then go home.

She hears the front door closing and she steps out to the hallway. James seems surprised to see her. They don't say anything at first.

"I was leaving," she says.

"You don't need to, you can stay as much as you like. I just came to grab my lens."

Lily nods and watches as he goes inside his room. He is standing next to her again in less than a minute. This time, with the glasses on.

"I stayed at my parents last night, I thought you would be still asleep," he explains himself as if it isn't his home. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine." She is not going that road again. Not with him, because she knows what that pep talk will lead them to. "I think we need to talk." She waits for him to argue with her, instead, he nods and both sit down on the couch. "I heard you and Sirius talk last night." He looks surprised but doesn't say a word and lets her continue. "Was it true all you said? About how you thought you've failed me?"

He looks at her. "Yeah, I do think I should've been better, I should have helped you not get lost, I shouldn't have been another reason to make you lose yourself".

Lily nods and adds. "I don't think you're a hundred per cent wrong, but James you must know I was the one to give up on us, I was the one that fucked things up. Also did with last night." She shifts uncomfortably in her seat. "I need to say I'm sorry, you have to know how sorry I am because I knew you were with someone else, I fucking knew, and instead of respecting your boundaries, I pushed you to your limit. I made myself believe that if you still loved me, if you still felt something for me, then it wouldn't all be lost for us." James looks disappointed by her speech but doesn't say anything back.

"But I was wrong to assume you weren't committed, I was selfish. I mean, I couldn't picture you with someone else, all the hearsays talking about you, about how good of a match you were for each other, about you proposing to her—"

"I haven't, though" he cuts her before she can continue. "I'm not marrying her."

"Why wouldn't you?" she snaps back at him with a sad smile on her face. "Isn't she gorgeous? And funny? And rich? Doesn't she care for you?"

He doesn't answer right away, she's not waiting for an answer either. She is aware of those facts, she was when she first kissed him yesterday. And today she also knows, because he stopped her because he is not leaving all behind to be again with her. So why on earth wouldn't he propose to her? It makes sense to her at least.

"Because she's not you," he says with a low voice. She's starting to get angry. That's not something she is willing to take as a proper answer.

"Oh my God James, what is that supposed to mean?" she snaps at him, again. She can feel her face getting red and her breathing getting quicker. Suddenly she can't take it any more, she's mad, she's getting tired of this back and forth they started some years ago. She stands from the couch and points at him. "I know I fucked up, I know I poisoned us, I know I'm one of the reasons we're not together anymore. But you know what James? You're the other reason, you weren't good either, and you bloody know it because you said so to Sirius last night, you were selfish and you pushed me out.

"So now that we've cleared this out, and it's clear we're in another fucked up situation," she puts her arms at her sides and looks at him hopelessly. She needs him to hear her say it, despite she's certain he already knows. "I need to say to you I still love you, James, I still fucking do, and I never stopped."

He looks back at her with no surprise at all. When he doesn't answer back, she continues her speech, getting closer and sitting at the coffee table in front of him.

"James, I know you're with someone else, who's just stunning, and I guess in a certain way she's better for you than I ever was, but if you want me, if you still love me, I could be your girlfriend. I'm all in. When it comes to you, I will never have a choice, it will always be you, my boy, my guy. My dude." She smiles at him with all the love she's tried to hide, and reaches for his face with her hand, and caresses his jaw.

James simply nods and closes his eyes to enjoy the contact of her skin in his. Does he feel the same way?

"Before I express how I feel, I need to tell you something first."

Her heart starts to race in her chest with anxiousness. But she nods in response.

"Last night when you left my room, I went after you the second I realized the mistake I'd made and what meant that you were gone, after you looked at me so hopeless. But I couldn't make it because my mum talked me out of it.

"She saw you and sent Sirius to take you home. Don't ask me why, but she knew. She knew we just had been together, and that something between us had happened. My mum begged me to not go after you, not yesterday. And she was right because we both needed to figure out what we wanted from each other, and also there were other people involved," Lily's noticed every time he talks about his girlfriend with her he can't look her in the eyes.

He takes a deep breath and lowers his head, staring at his shoes before he continues. "My mum asked me to talk with her before anything more could happen between us. She was right again. Before coming to check on you, I went to her home. And we talked, I told her what happened between us and how I felt.

"I didn't know exactly what I wanted to get out of with that conversation, but what I did know is I didn't want to hurt her, is the least she deserves. So we ended things." He raises his head and glances at her deep in the eyes, she can feel how wounded he is, how tough has been this last night for him. "Sirius was also right, I can't be with anyone else feeling the way I feel about you,"—he takes her hand in his—"because I love you, Lily, I still do."

Even though he's said so, she's still reluctant because of the way he looks. Lily knows he's hurt, because despite he's said he's still in love with her, he must've cared about that girl, and Lily neither can blame him nor be mad at him.

"Because as you said, when it comes to you I don't have a choice. The answer will be you. Always."

He kisses her hands with tenderness. She nods as she bites her tongue to stay calm, waiting for him to finish his speech.

"And I could be your boyfriend. Your dude." He kisses her hands again. "I just think we should go slow. No more proposals in the short time, promise," he smiles and so does she before she responds simply by kissing him fully in the mouth.

She knows this won't be easy, start again with a clean page, trying to not go down the road of resentfulness, they've got some work to do, even though she's not depressed anymore, and he knows he'd been wrong about her before.

And yet, she tastes his lips in hers, leaving all those thoughts past her, it does not feel like yesterday. Because last night it was all about the past, the hurtfulness, the hate, the resentment, and today…

Today is all about the future.

And that tastes just nice.


End file.
